


Day 18- masturbation

by haleyesido (ssleif)



Series: Kinktober 2017 [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Basically Stiles tells him how to jerk off, Kinktober 2017, Knotting, Light BDSM, M/M, Masturbation, References to Kate, also some selfloathing, and to abuse of that nature, super light, vaguely depressive stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-19
Updated: 2017-10-19
Packaged: 2019-01-19 13:46:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12411462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssleif/pseuds/haleyesido
Summary: Short fic for Kinktober's mastubation prompt.Derek post-Kate, Post- Laura, Post Kate again, and finally post-Beacon hills.





	Day 18- masturbation

**Author's Note:**

> Be warned, this gets unpredictably maudlin and depressing (as in, actual depression, kind of) for awhile. If you want just the pron, you want the section that follows “led him here”.
> 
> Not kidding, there's more internalised victim-blaming and shit than I'd intended.

The first time he did it after Kate (after all of it), he cried.

He’s pretty sure Laura overheard (or smelled) some of it, but she never said anything.

Neither of them said much, for a long time.

It was such an intimate thing, and in hindsight he knew he shouldn’t give her that power over him anymore (should never have in the first place, but he was  _young_  and  _stupid_  and  _didn’t know_ )... but it had taken months before he was even, before he could even... Sex just. Wasn’t. For a long time.

But eventually, the body starts to bounce back, even when the heart and head aren’t there yet.

Still, the first time he started to knot, he immediately felt sick and lost his erection. And the next time, the same thing happened. And the next time, and the next time... 

So yeah, screw him if the first time he did it successfully (and it mostly felt good? at least, it didn’t feel bad? It was an orgasm after all...), he cried a little. It felt like finding a piece of himself that was lost, but it also kind of felt like that piece was supposed to stay lost. Like maybe he didn’t deserve it back.

And when Laura took off not long after, and then... and then.

Well, it was starting to feel like he was cursed.

He went without, for a long time after that. He just... he didn’t have much of a libido, he didn’t have the energy to spare, he thought. Not when just... going. From this moment to the next one. Was taking so much effort. So on the rare occasions he did get the urge, he mostly just ignored it again.

But then there was Stiles.

For a while, that actually made Derek’s guilt and disgust with himself  _worse_ , that first person he’d had a sexual reaction to in years was a _fucking teenager_. It layered on and compounded that parts of himself that secretly believed that he was complicit in what Kate had done, both to him, and to his family. He felt like he was selfish and stupid, that he’d valued _sex_ over _people’s lives_... and he knew, sort of, that that wasn’t right, but those are the thoughts that come out when you’re by yourself in the middle of the night, all alone with the inside of your head... which, incidentally, is usually a good time for jerking off... but yeah, no, not when you can see the past so clearly in every predatory interaction you have with the object of your... affections.

But nothing happened.

Derek derek tried not to think about Stiles, tried to ignore his own reaction when it came up (when he had Stiles pressed against the door, trying to talk some  _fucking sense_  into him, smelling his typical teenage response to any kind of physical contact at all)... and it was manageable.

He managed.

He manages right through Stiles Sophomore year, and then his Junior. He managed through all the shit the nemeton threw at them, threw all the stupidity Scott invited. He managed when he was there, and he managed while he was away.

But while he was away (with Cora! The last best piece of his family left, his last chance to preserve and protect the most precious thing, his pack), he started to get a little bit of perspective. Being out of that town, away from the guilt that was always waiting in the shadows to eat him alive... it was good. He felt like he could breathe, maybe. Like he had an actual pulse again. Like he was waking up.

He was embarrassed, the first time he jerked off in the shower of their shared motel room. But that was new and good too. That was the kind of reaction “healthy” people had when they were pretty sure family members knew exactly what the fuck they’d just been doing in the bathroom for half an hour.

Cora didn’t know all of it, didn’t think it was anything more than that. She rolled her eyes and made a disgusted face, and insisted that he had to go find them dinner, then, to make up for being gross when they had to share space. 

It was good.

And then he went back. And nothing was good for a while. 

But he knew it could be. He believed he might get there, maybe. And maybe he even deserved it, or could deserve it.

And that little spark of hope, that tiniest ember of self esteem...

Led him here.

He was spread out on what was fast becoming their bed, panting and hard, so damn ready for whatever Stiles wanted to happen next.

He hadn’t explicitly planned to have Stiles move in with him, but that was definitely the direction their relationship was headed, since Stiles had the worst roommate this year and Derek had no roommate and also a fabulous bed and also cupboards full of all the things Stiles liked best. 

Oh yeah, and they were dating. And having sex.

Sort of having sex.

Derek would have like to be having a little more, just at that moment.

“Okay babe, you can touch yourself.”

Derek’s right hand shot to his groin, where he immediately fought not to just jackrabbit up into it and finish in two seconds.

“C’mon, it’s okay. You can go harder than that.”

Derek picked up the pace a little.

“With your other hand, baby, touch your nipples. I know you like that.”

Derek did like that. Derek liked that a lot. He rubbed his left thumb around and over, around and over, pinching just a little.

And he felt his knot start to fill.

“Just like that. You’re doing so good.”

Stiles was panting a little too, and Derek forced his eyes open so he could see...

Stiles was jerking off too.

Derek felt the spike of lust through his groin and abdomen, and his knot filling was an ache he couldn’t not touch. Soon enough, he had one hand around it, massaging, tightening, trying not to tip himself over the edge, and the other hand going up and down himself, lingering a little at the head now and again, but mostly just going in a regular rhythm he was trying so hard to keep under control.

Stiles gasped a little, licked his palm, and started working himself faster.

“G-go on. You can do it. Come on, Derek, come on. Come for me. Let me see that big-”

And Derek did, Jackknifing up a little, fisting his knot tight as it swelled, jerking pulse after pulse after pulse all over his chest and abdomen. 

He almost couldn’t hear Stiles coming too, over the rushing of his own blood in his ears.

He finally slumped back onto the bed, left hand still tight, secure, around his knot, still coming a little, in tiny wonderful beats.

Stiles collapsed onto the bed next to him. Derek turned his head with enormous effort. Stiles was grinning like a loon. A very tired and satisfied loon.

Derek let his head loll back. 

_Yeah_ , he thought, trying not to tear up over how fucking happy he was,  _yeah. It’ll be okay._


End file.
